Insomnia

It’s 12.45 am when I started writing this. I should have gone to sleep. Alas, insomnia has strucked and won’t let me fall into my deep slumber.

Have you ever felt like not going to sleep?
You simply don’t want the day to change because you had a good day and you have no idea of what tomorrow’s going to be like. All the uncertainties hold you back from living the always-goes-on life. Queasiness is seeping through while the time keeps running, couldn’t be care less about someone who nearly missed the train home.

Times like these make me feel…..sick.

And I think I’ve missed the last train home.

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Batas Dunia

Ragu menoleh ketika Pagi menyapa. Takut membuka pintu ketika Siang mengetuk.
Malam membelenggu dan menghantuiku.

“Tinggal lah. Bukankah kamu senang berada disini? Tidak ada kesendirian, ketakutan, dan ketidakpastian. Hanya ada selimut hangat dan ketenangan, seperti yang kamu inginkan.”

Dan ketika aku berada di batas dunia, Malam menang atas diriku.

18022015

Ehm.
Happy birthday, Ma, have a happy year ahead! I’m praying for you to always be under Allah’s protection. I wish you happiness, good health, love, and all best things in the world.

I’m sorry this writing is all I got for now, I haven’t found any decent gift. I’ll try to find a good one and make sure it would not be another 8-months-late birthday gift :p

You know, this oldest, awkward daughter of yours is too chicken to come up to you and say all this things verbally. But here it is.

Please don’t be too stressed about things, be it work or anything.
Do hug me whenever you feel like you need someone to lean to (I’m not the best hugger but at least I don’t smell bad)
Don’t keep things to yourself, I’d be more than glad to be your listening ear (although giving advice is not my specialty).
Do bother me if you need something, I may be a lazy daughter but I can be useful too!!!
Don’t stop throwing out lame jokes, they are lame, but I love it anyway (this is probably because we share the same sense of humour).

Thank you for being a figure I look up to.
Thank you for all the smile you’ve put on when everyone else were having a bad day.
Thank you for the neverending support and life advice you’ve given.
Thank you for every single thing you’ve done out of love.

I know I never, for even once in my 19-years-life, say things like “I love you” and whatnot. Like you may have known, I’m much of a writing person when it comes to ~sweet~ things.
So, through this writing, I want you to know that I really love you.

Once again, happy birthday Ma, thank you for taking care of me and watching me grow for the past 19 years. I love you!

See you tomorrow!

From: Down Here; To: Up There

September 11.
I wish you’ve got enough balloons to cover up the entire sky.
I wish the cook bakes you the best cake in town.
I wish the fireflies light up your bedroom.
I wish they treat you like a princess.
I wish you’re showered with lots
of gifts; be it flowers or kisses.
I wish they get you a beautiful long dress to wear on your special day.
I wish they send bunch of little angels to protect you and color up your days with their giggles.
I wish today you’re being all happy and smiling because of the uncountable blessings coming to you.
I wish you will never forget that we, down here, will always be wishing you a convenient life, up there.

Happy birthday, Grandma, lots of love from down here!

(P.S: I accidentally found this super tasty surabi in the market down here today, I wish they have the similar one up there)
(P.P.S: it would be very nice if you’re here to have a bite of the super delicious surabi)
(P.P.P.S: I’m not kidding)
(P.P.P.P.S: I miss you)

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Seventeen Years Full of Life

I will turn 17 next January. Oh, I have spent almost seventeen years of my life in this God’s fascinating creation called Earth. I know that seventeen years is quite long in time, but somehow when I live my life, I sometimes feel like I was just born yesterday; time flies so fast, they say.

I once looked back at what I had done, who I was.
Most things I have done were procrastinations; I never put important things as my priority, and I did those not-so-important things before everything else. Such a true procrastinator.
Second, I was a shy person. I mean, a really shy person. I never dared to start conversation with new people so I always waited for them to start first. I avoided people’s eyes when I talked. I easily got embarrassed. I rarely got involved in school activities. My hands were sweaty and shivering when I had to speak in front of people. I See? That was me.

I have changed in these seventeen years, maybe a lot.
But I’m still myself.
Yes, I still procrastinate (I suppose to do my biology experiment report now instead of blogging), but now I sometimes put the important one as priority. Yes, I choose playing over studying, but I will still study afterwards.
Yes, I’m still a shy person, but only in front of new people. Yes, I still wait for others to start the conversation, but I have tried few times to start it first. Yes, I don’t always look at people’s eyes when I talk, but now I already have guts to make an eye-contact for 5 seconds. Yes, I get embarrassed, but not that much. Yes, I am not involved too much in school activities, but at least I have an experience of becoming the committee of an event. Yes, I get nervous when I have to stand in front of people, but no more shivering and sweats on my hands.
I’m still me, but in a better way.

Also, I realize how much I have grown up.
It started yesterday, when I ate chocolate pudding. I realized that I can now distinguish pudding from jelly. It’s an improvement, right? Well, until couple of months ago, I can hardly identify whether it is a pudding or jelly. How embarrassing.
I have learnt new vocabularies. So, I can improve my writings and replace non-poetic words with iambic phrase.
I dream. I had many dreams when I was a little girl, but most of them were not real because fairytales had influenced me. I dreamt of becoming a princess who had a little fairy, having a unicorn, flying with magic carpet just like what Jasmine and Aladin did. Now I dream of something more real. I dream of having a trip to Switzerland, going to Mecca with my family, building school and hospital for the poors, publishing a novel, being a part of WWF Organization, diving, and traveling to all best sights of the world. Even those are hard to achieve, they can be real, with efforts and prayers.
I learn to take as much opportunities as I can. I had sent my writings to a magazine, even in the end they rejected it and sent it back to me. On October 2012, I tried to send my essay concerning in environmental problems to an online international essay writing competition and it paid off my previous failure; I was listed as one of the winners.
I found courage and went through every problems. I was once in a deep sadness, until I prayed to God. Some people also encouraged me and they told jokes to make me laugh.
I know what sadness is. I used to feel happiness all the time, well I cried, but it’s not similar with the sadness I have felt these recent years.
I feel love. Not that kind of corny love, but that kind of love which give us warmth. I feel love from my family, my friends, and God. I really appreciate God for creating a sweet emotion called love.
The most important thing is, I know and understand my responsibilities; to pray to God, to study, to look after my little sisters (we are not that harmonious though), to make my parents proud and happy.

There is a quote from Abraham Lincoln,

“And in the end, itโ€™s not the years in your life that count. Itโ€™s the life in your years.โ€

And I think life has filled all my seventeen years up.

A Drop of Inspiration

It’s raining outside, with some traces of lightning. Gloomy sky, cold, and I’m blogging while listening to music. What a mellow evening.It’s drizzling now, but I can still hear the ย thunder.

Somehow rain –drizzling rain– makes me wonder of random things. Something that makes me giggle, or scared, or happy, or sad, or everything.

I think I’ve just found out why I love drizzle; it gives me bunch of inspirations.

Every drop of rain bears an inspiration, don’t they?

Our Last Year

Last year of school always be the saddest year, isn’t it?

But now I think, beside sadness, I also feel the loneliness. Since we have to prepare for our Ujian Nasional, everyone starts taking a course outside (I am none of them, my parents don’t allow me to take course because I get tired easily and they worry about my health) and they get busier with their own business. I rarely (or never?) say this kind of thing out loud, even if I really want to, but the truth is, I miss that time when we were in our first and second year, when we had more leisure time. When we didn’t really feel haunted by that Ujian Nasional.

We have 8-9 months left to be together. It’s quite big in number, but I bet it will be really fast when we live in it. At first, I thought my high school would be a very very very long journey to make, but after I went trough the past 2 years, I’m surprised that we only have less than a year left to spend our time together. Sometimes I regret for not enjoying those times but grumbling and complaining. Huh, we’ve been fooled by the time, I think?